I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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