I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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