Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
dude. I can hear the air.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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