i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
