sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
