Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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