youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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