how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
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