Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
