im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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