this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
