i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
