I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
