You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Randomize
