Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
