Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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