No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
