he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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