our cab driver is having phone sex.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
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