remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
