i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
