I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
