Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
