Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Of course I have a pirate flag
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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