just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
