If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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