i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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