Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Hippo gnu deer
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
