I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
