if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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