checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
