I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
