I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I looked at my own cervix.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
