Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
