Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(310): View more from California

I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.

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(830): View more from Texas

What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple

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(907): View more from Alaska

The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.

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(631): View more from New York

She told me I should be a condom model.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??

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(207): View more from Maine

when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance

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(218): View more from Minnesota

My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth

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