im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Randomize
