I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
