Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
