I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
