there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
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