True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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