I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
