My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
