my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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