did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
