My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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