I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize
