omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
