Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
