I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
